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THE WEB
Survivors - Domestic Violence
The Burning Times - Genocide of Women
Amortentia (HP Stuff)
NO CLASS TODAY
Mrs. Wesley's Borrow
Aragog's Fun and Games

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The Rolling Pin - A.K.A. by my Irish Great-Grandmum as a "Husband Re-Alignment Tool"

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Motherly support from the most motherly witch in the world

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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will be yours forever.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

You either married it or gave birth to it.

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Check
                           Out Blinkyou.com for thousands of custom glitterz and layouts

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Pull up a chair, dear, and have a nice cuppa, while we relax for a minute.....

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A mother need only step into the bathroom to be instantly reassured she is indispensable to HER KIDS.. 

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Job Description: Mother

POSITION: Mother

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, away sports matches and occasional visits to casualty. Travel expenses not reimbursed.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing and shoe-tying.

Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to treat flesh wounds a plus.

Must be able to think outside of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, `He got more than me? for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as `You don't know anything.?

Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs extra pocket money for the cinema.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the garden are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zips. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

Must have diverse general knowledge, so as to answer questions such as `What makes the wind move?? spontaneously.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get thisYOU pay THEM, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

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There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

Obviously.

 Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and
s(he) bends you with her(his) might that her(his) arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as (s)he loves the arrow that flies,
so (s)he loves also the bow that is stable.

by Kahlil Gibran.

 It is one of the chapters in his book "The Prophet," which was published in 1923 and is still available everywhere:

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THINGS I SWORE I WOULD NEVER SAY TO MY OWN KIDS (I HAVE…..)

"Someday your face will freeze like that!"

"What if everyone jumped off a cliff ... Would you do it, too?"

"You're going to put your eye out with that thing!"

"How many times do I have to tell you ...Don't throw things in the house!"

 

"Close the door behind you.Were you born in a barn?"

 

"Don't put that in your mouth ... you don't know where it's already been."

 

"Eat the carrots, they're good for your eyes.Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?"

"Did you flush?"

"There's enough dirt in your earsto grow potatoes!"

"I don't care what "everyone" is doing.I care what you are doing!"

"If you can't say something nice ...don't say anything at all."

"I hope someday you have children just like you."

"Don't talk with your mouth full!"

"Always put on clean underwear in the morning in case you're in an accident."

"Don't pick ... it'll get infected."

"I'm not just talking to hear myself talk."

"I'm going to give you until the count of three."

And last but not least, my personal favorite:

"because I said so, that’s why!"

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 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A MOM SAY

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on... it makes the house look more
cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve"

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   I know how to do anything - I'm a mom.
               - - - - Roseanne Barr

                   I KNOW I’M A MOM

                       Author Unknown

·        There's a container of neon pink Silly Slime dumped in my purse and a half-eaten, squashed strawberry Pop Tart in my jacket pocket.    

·        At any given moment, I’m carrying a wad of  gum ("already been chewed") or the remains of whatever's yucky from a child's mouth -- or nose.

·        I’ve been known to wash my children's face with spit and my thumb and wipe their noses with my shirt.

·        I show my kids’ rashes to ANYONE and EVERYONE who'll look.

·        I have a permanent stain on my shoulder from baby spit up.

·        I have dirty footprints on my shirt from nonstop kicking in the stomach by the child sitting in the grocery cart. 

·        I carry the worn-out blankies and Cabbage Patch dolls, the ones I warned I wouldn't carry.

·        I walk around the store shouting, "Don't touch!" I said, "DON'T TOUCH!"

·        I find myself muttering, "I'm NEVER doing this again."

·        I usually have a glazed look on my face from answering, for the millionth time, "I don't know what worms eat." 

·        I’ve sniffed a baby's diaper -- on purpose.

·        I eat leftover baby food smeared on toast for breakfast.

·        I consider myself lucky to get a shower by noon.

·        I eat standing up.

·        I drink leftover milk with graham cracker crumbs floating in it.

·        I eat the crusts nobody wants.

·        Once upon a time I had a stomach that didn't fall to the floor.

·        Once I had hips that didn't serve as a baby saddle.

·        I walk around bleary-eyed from being up all night with a teething baby and teary-eyed from worrying about a toddler that refuses to eat.

·        I'm typically damp with baby drool, and I have oatmeal in my hair. (I think my sweater's on inside out, but hey, at least I'm dressed.)

·        I can't remember the last time I had a whole night's sleep or a HOT cup of coffee.

·        The only book I've read in the past 6 months is "Good Night Moon."

·        I never get to finish a senten....

·        Don't ask me if I've seen any good movies lately.  I have if you count the Little Mermaid and Cinderella. 

·        I know all the names of the Sponge Bob characters by heart.

·        I used to be reasonably intelligent, pondering the deep secrets of the universe.  Now I find myself wondering such things as: If Bert and Ernie aren't related, why do they sleep in the same room?  And, where are their parents?

·        I remember when getting together with friends meant stimulating conversation about current events, love and the meaning of life.  Now we talk for hours about the color of the contents of our babies' diapers and if they know any good potty-training tips

·        I know you don't know my first name-- I don't have one anymore. I answer to my child (or any child, for that matter) calling Mom, Mommy, Mama, or WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!  To be honest, I don't even remember my first name -- I've stop using it myself. When speaking, I simply refer to myself as, "Mommy."  "Mommy says to stop poking the cats ears." "Mommy's ears can't hear whining."  "Yes, Mommy's wearing her angry face." "If you don't stop kicking Mommy, Mommy's going to lose it."

·        I have my good days, though. Days when we get through breakfast without Cream of Rice on the wall. Days when the cat doesn't end up in the toilet.  On those days I feel powerful. In control.  On those days, I can do it all.  I am MOMMY, hear me roar.  I can nurse a baby and cook dinner at the same time.  I can nurse a baby, read a magazine, AND tie shoes at the same time. I can even nurse a baby, AND talk on the phone, AND fold laundry AND watch Oprah all at the same time.

·        Yup, I know I’m a mom!   

 

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            Are You A Mom?

1.  Do you count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal?

2.  Have you ever taken out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry?

3.  Do you have time to shave only one leg at at time?

4.  When your child throws up, do you tru tp catch it?

5.  When someone else's kid throws up at a party, do you keep eating?

6.  Do you feel that finger paint shoul be a considered a controlled substance?

7.  Have you mastered the art of placing food on a plate without any foods touching each other? 

8.  Have you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office?

9.  Do you count ketchup as a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats?

10.  Do you fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother?

11.  Have you obsessed when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back?

12.  Do you still have baby clothes stored in your basement because you can't bear to give them away--it's so final?

13.  Have you ever heard your mother's voice coming out of your mouth?

14.  Have you stopped (overall) criticizing the way your mother raised you?

15.  Do you say at least once a day "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything?

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        FAMOUS MOM-ISMS

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"


MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."


GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"


LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"


SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"


THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

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I AM A WITCH!

By Sandi Thomas


When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a witch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a witch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a witch.

Being a witch entails raising my children to be strong people
Who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility,
Who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in
And, who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.

Being a witch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature I am,
With all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.
Being a witch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a witch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone else's maid or when I act a little selfish.

I am proud to be a witch! It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
By Goddess, I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So, try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a witch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. I love this, I can call myself a witch now and not feel bad about it!

 

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How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! ?

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!?

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

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Did You Know?

February 21st is Mean Mommie Day.

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Things My Mother Taught Me

  • My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
  • My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
  • My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
  • My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
  • My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
  • My mother taught me ABOUT SEX..."How do you think you got here?"
  • My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
  • My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
  • And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like."
 (PS Mom - Yhey did - Talitha)

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When I'm an Old Lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness ... just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed!

Oh, they'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues,

And I'll bounce on the furniture. wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry... I'll run ... if I'm able!

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud until the end of the day!

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

- Author Unknown

 

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A Letter To Pagan Parents

by Ld Obyron Irondrake on 8/18/99

(A spoof of a letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents)

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,

Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

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        God's Masterpiece Is Mother

God took the fragrance of a flower...
The majesty of a tree...
The gentleness of morning dew...
The calm of a quiet sea...
The beauty of the twilight hour...
The soul of a starry night...
The laughter of a rippling brook...
The grace of a bird in flight...
Then God fashioned from these things
A creation like no other,
And when his masterpiece was through
He called it simply - Mother.

-         Herbert Farnham

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                Evening Classes At The Burrow

                                      Spring 2006

      Courses for Men

  • Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop – not just a convenient coat hanger
  • Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge – 101 practical uses
  • Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
  • Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and removing the Dead
  • Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN tell the Difference!
  • Accepting Loss I : If It's EMPTY, You CAN throw it away
  • Accepting Loss II : If the milk expired three weeks ago, keeping it in the refrigerator will not bring it back
  • Going to the Supermarket: Not just for women anymore!
  • Recycling Skills I: Boxes that your electronics came in
  • Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that came in the boxes that the electronics came in
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: How to remove your shaving mess from the sink
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's wash those towels!
  • Bathroom Etiquette III: Five easy ways to tell when you're about to run out of toilet paper and how to put on a fresh roll. (advanced participants only)
  • Giving Back to the Community: How to donate 15-year-dld Levis to the Goodwill
  • Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware:  The dishes won't wash themselves
  • Expanding Your Entertainment Options: Renting movies that don't fall under the "Action/Adventure" category
  • Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the remote
  • Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's clean the closet!
  • Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's clean under the bed
  • "I Don't Know": Be the First Man in your neighborhood to say it!
  • The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes “Empty” MEANS “Empty”
  • Directions: It's okay to ask for them
  • Listening: It's not just something you do during halftime
  • Accepting Your Limitations: Just because you have tools doesn't mean you can or should fix it.

 

 

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