But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Job Description: Mother

POSITION: Mother

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, away sports matches and occasional visits to casualty. Travel expenses not reimbursed.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing and shoe-tying.

Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to treat flesh wounds a plus.

Must be able to think outside of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, `He got more than me? for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as `You don't know anything.?

Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs extra pocket money for the cinema.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the garden are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zips. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name.

Must have diverse general knowledge, so as to answer questions such as `What makes the wind move?? spontaneously.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get thisYOU pay THEM, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

Obviously.

by Kahlil Gibran.

 It is one of the chapters in his book "The Prophet," which was published in 1923 and is still available everywhere:

"Someday your face will freeze like that!"

"What if everyone jumped off a cliff ... Would you do it, too?"

"You're going to put your eye out with that thing!"

"How many times do I have to tell you ...Don't throw things in the house!"

"Close the door behind you.Were you born in a barn?"

"Don't put that in your mouth ... you don't know where it's already been."

"Eat the carrots, they're good for your eyes.Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?"

"Did you flush?"

"There's enough dirt in your earsto grow potatoes!"

"I don't care what "everyone" is doing.I care what you are doing!"

"If you can't say something nice ...don't say anything at all."

"I hope someday you have children just like you."

"Don't talk with your mouth full!"

"Always put on clean underwear in the morning in case you're in an accident."

"Don't pick ... it'll get infected."

"I'm not just talking to hear myself talk."

"I'm going to give you until the count of three."

And last but not least, my personal favorite:

"because I said so, that’s why!"

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on... it makes the house look more
cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve"

                   I KNOW I’M A MOM

                       Author Unknown

·        There's a container of neon pink Silly Slime dumped in my purse and a half-eaten, squashed strawberry Pop Tart in my jacket pocket.    

·        At any given moment, I’m carrying a wad of  gum ("already been chewed") or the remains of whatever's yucky from a child's mouth -- or nose.

·        I’ve been known to wash my children's face with spit and my thumb and wipe their noses with my shirt.

·        I show my kids’ rashes to ANYONE and EVERYONE who'll look.

·        I have a permanent stain on my shoulder from baby spit up.

·        I have dirty footprints on my shirt from nonstop kicking in the stomach by the child sitting in the grocery cart. 

·        I carry the worn-out blankies and Cabbage Patch dolls, the ones I warned I wouldn't carry.

·        I walk around the store shouting, "Don't touch!" I said, "DON'T TOUCH!"

·        I find myself muttering, "I'm NEVER doing this again."

·        I usually have a glazed look on my face from answering, for the millionth time, "I don't know what worms eat." 

·        I’ve sniffed a baby's diaper -- on purpose.

·        I eat leftover baby food smeared on toast for breakfast.

·        I consider myself lucky to get a shower by noon.

·        I eat standing up.

·        I drink leftover milk with graham cracker crumbs floating in it.

·        I eat the crusts nobody wants.

·        Once upon a time I had a stomach that didn't fall to the floor.

·        Once I had hips that didn't serve as a baby saddle.

·        I walk around bleary-eyed from being up all night with a teething baby and teary-eyed from worrying about a toddler that refuses to eat.

·        I'm typically damp with baby drool, and I have oatmeal in my hair. (I think my sweater's on inside out, but hey, at least I'm dressed.)

·        I can't remember the last time I had a whole night's sleep or a HOT cup of coffee.

·        The only book I've read in the past 6 months is "Good Night Moon."

·        I never get to finish a senten....

·        Don't ask me if I've seen any good movies lately.  I have if you count the Little Mermaid and Cinderella. 

·        I know all the names of the Sponge Bob characters by heart.

·        I used to be reasonably intelligent, pondering the deep secrets of the universe.  Now I find myself wondering such things as: If Bert and Ernie aren't related, why do they sleep in the same room?  And, where are their parents?

·        I remember when getting together with friends meant stimulating conversation about current events, love and the meaning of life.  Now we talk for hours about the color of the contents of our babies' diapers and if they know any good potty-training tips

·        I know you don't know my first name-- I don't have one anymore. I answer to my child (or any child, for that matter) calling Mom, Mommy, Mama, or WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!  To be honest, I don't even remember my first name -- I've stop using it myself. When speaking, I simply refer to myself as, "Mommy."  "Mommy says to stop poking the cats ears." "Mommy's ears can't hear whining."  "Yes, Mommy's wearing her angry face." "If you don't stop kicking Mommy, Mommy's going to lose it."

·        I have my good days, though. Days when we get through breakfast without Cream of Rice on the wall. Days when the cat doesn't end up in the toilet.  On those days I feel powerful. In control.  On those days, I can do it all.  I am MOMMY, hear me roar.  I can nurse a baby and cook dinner at the same time.  I can nurse a baby, read a magazine, AND tie shoes at the same time. I can even nurse a baby, AND talk on the phone, AND fold laundry AND watch Oprah all at the same time.

·        Yup, I know I’m a mom!   

1.  Do you count the number of sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal?

2.  Have you ever taken out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry?

3.  Do you have time to shave only one leg at at time?

4.  When your child throws up, do you tru tp catch it?

5.  When someone else's kid throws up at a party, do you keep eating?

6.  Do you feel that finger paint shoul be a considered a controlled substance?

7.  Have you mastered the art of placing food on a plate without any foods touching each other? 

8.  Have you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office?

9.  Do you count ketchup as a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats?

10.  Do you fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother?

11.  Have you obsessed when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back?

12.  Do you still have baby clothes stored in your basement because you can't bear to give them away--it's so final?

13.  Have you ever heard your mother's voice coming out of your mouth?

14.  Have you stopped (overall) criticizing the way your mother raised you?

15.  Do you say at least once a day "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything?

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"


MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"


ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."


GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"


LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"


ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"


SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"


THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

I AM A WITCH!

By Sandi Thomas

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a witch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a witch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a witch.

Being a witch entails raising my children to be strong people
Who have a solid sense of personal and social responsibility,
Who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in
And, who love and respect themselves for the beautiful beings they are.

Being a witch means that I am free to be the wonderful creature I am,
With all my own intricacies, contradictions, quirks and beauty.
Being a witch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a witch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone else's maid or when I act a little selfish.

I am proud to be a witch! It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
By Goddess, I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So, try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a witch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it. I love this, I can call myself a witch now and not feel bad about it!

One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! ?

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!?

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

When I'm an Old Lady

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness ... just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed!

Oh, they'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll write on the walls with reds, whites and blues,

And I'll bounce on the furniture. wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry... I'll run ... if I'm able!

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud until the end of the day!

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

- Author Unknown